Prior to the arrests, I had been planning a fictional component for the blog. In it, the Tate brothers are the Heir and the Spare of the Kingdom of Toxic Masculinity, residing in a council flat “palace” in their kingdom’s capital city, Luton. The Heir can snap his fingers and be instantly attired in Dolph Lundgren’s HeMan costume [below, but I’ll get to it], ready to go rescue a female or the entire planet.
However, half the Heir’s time is spent rescuing the Spare, who gets himself in trouble again and again in his failed attempts to emulate his big brother. In the first episode, the Heir has to rescue the Spare because he’s been kidnapped by the SuperVillain Meg the Markler and her sidekick, Greta the Dumb Brat.
Masters of the Universe. This fantastic 1987 film was based on a toy and the comic books developed to sell the toy. No kidding. There was a whole documentary on its history. The Tate brothers may well have had one of the plastic HeMan action figures when they were pre-schoolers. In the movie, HeMan is portrayed by the Ultimate High Value Man, Dolph Lundgren.
Guarding Grace. In his youth, Lundgren acquired many academic scholarships and two university degrees, including a masters in Chemical Engineering. He had been awarded a prestigous Fullbright Scholarship to do his PhD at the prestigious Massachusetts Institute of Technology at the time he met the legendary Grace Jones. She was not only a model and actress, but also a singer, and she was performing in Sydney when Dolph was a student there, making some spending money on a security detail at the concert venue.
Grace saw Dolph and decided she would feel MORE secure if Dolph spent the night in her bed. He missed some university lectures the next day.
Ms. Jones appreciated Mr. Lundgren’s height (six-six), his awesome physique, his stunning Scandinavian face (Sylvester Stallone said Dolph had cheekbones that look like a Harley’s handlebars), his intelligence (IQ=160), and his penis, which she described as the biggest dick she had ever seen. An affair with Grace led Dolph to movies.
Back to movies. Masters of the Universe was made shortly after Dolph became world-famous as Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Part of his fame was based on putting Sylvester Stallone in Intensive Care after Sly stupidly said, “Go for it, hit me hard.” Lloyds of London was insuring the film, and they at first balked about paying for the delays caused by Stallone’s hospitalization. They claimed the medical records suggested that Stallone’s body contacting the steering wheel of a car in a high-speed crash. Fortunately, the cameras were rolling at the time Dolph’s fist contacted Sly’s chest, right over the heart.
Playing HeMan in Masters of the Universe, Dolph battles the dark forces of solar system, which are headed by Skeletor (Frank Langella) and Evil Lynn (Meg Foster). Meg Foster had the palest gray/blue eyes in the history of Hollywood, even lighter than Dolph’s. In some films, directors put Foster in darkening contact lenses because her irises were so distracting.
In my proposed adventures, Evil Lynn is transformed into Feminist Lynn, who believes she can mesmerize the heir to the throne of Toxic Masculinity. Over and over, she tries to align her eyes with Heir Apparent Andrew’s magnificent brown orbs.
As to the HeMan costume. Lundgren commented in one interview that he felt cold throughout the entire filming of Masters of the Universe. This at first seems strange, as Dolph is a pretty rugged guy, a man trained in military special ops and also a European karate champion. Some say he even did some kickboxing in Australia while he was getting that Masters degree and providing security for Grace. And Dolph competed in kyokushin karate, which is rough stuff. Furthermore, he grew up in northern Sweden, a place that, as he says, “makes Stockholm seem like Miami Beach.”
Dolph has always been a tough guy. His problem with feeling cold during the film shoot was not his conditioning, but was rather related to his attire.
The movie won some award for its overall costuming, but Lundgren’s costume barely existed. Very “barely.” It consisted of epaulets on each shoulder and snug black briefs. I thought the costume might look good on Andrew.
Conundrum Andrew Tate 